Throughout my fears and anxieties about this upcoming tour, I have now realized that I must do it. What is left for me here anyhow? I now have someone accompanying me for much of the trip, be it a blessing or a curse. Life has taken me by the horns. Bicycle touring is beckoning. My fears about this have now dilapidated. I must do this trip, I have to do this trip. I will do this trip.
Lately I have noticed how life is getting to the blah level. What I mean is that life is just going by and nothing is really happening. I am of course talking about my own life. Your life might be great. I don't know what the future holds. I only know that I am not experiencing the joy I ought to. By way of work, my job is un-fulfilling and I need a change. Whether that change will come now or later, I don't know. I am unappreciated and at times feel unwelcome. I am not treated very well and all I do is try to do my best job I can do. Also, I am treated like a child, at work and at home. Someone once said, "Go where you are celebrated, not just tolerated." That is well said I believe. But it's hard. It's not that easy. Friends of mine are diminishing. They get married and lose interest in your friendship. It sucks, but that's life I suppose. Life, life, life. I need a break from life. I need a break from this fury, this noise, this rush, this here and now.
This is why I need to go on this bicycle tour. When I go alone, people ask if I get lonely and that is one reason they choose not to go on such adventures. Well, to be honest, I often feel more alone at home in my normal life than I do on tour. Yes, that may sound odd, but you truly won't understand this concept until you embark on your own tour.
I am un-fulfilled in my job, in my life, in my living situation...my dreams, and yes I do have dreams and passions and desires...my dreams are not seeing the light of day...at least not yet. I have been patient. When I look around me, I feel as though I am the one not living. I look at my family. My parents travel the world and seem joyful in their lives, and my siblings are seemingly living their dreams. My brother is a mountain guide and my sister is married to a pastor and is in ministry with a family. I have none of that...and it's not even on the horizon. What is the Lord playing at? I have ideas and thoughts and dreams...but who will help me? I can't do it alone. It is scary. I am a dreamer. I need a business partner who can provide practical tips. Good help is hard to come by...so are good friends. We are called to live in community, but no matter how hard I try, being a part of 2 groups and 3 or 4 ministries throughout the year, I don't feel like I'm in community...I still feel alone. Am I doing something wrong? What's the deal? Lord, please send me someone...
The only thing that makes sense anymore is packing up my bicycle and start pedaling and camping and pedaling some more until I reach Monument Valley and beyond...The only heartache is the deadline. I do wish to be back August 7th in honor of my close friend who "went Home" a few years ago. One of these days I will hop in the saddle without a deadline...Iceland, Alaska, Argentina, New Zealand...who knows...
Bicycle touring is the only thing that makes sense anymore...
Every life has its ups and downs, Penn. Usually when you need a way up you need to find that way out. If you can't there are professionals. Or turn to a trusted family member to talk with. Sometimes we need words of wisdom from an older adult or even a stranger. Remember that your family extends beyond the five of you... And Penn you are always welcomed into my home if you need a place to be yourself. Take care of yourself. Love, Aunt Denise
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